All rise for the National Anthem!
I thought about writing this in Spanish, as a freedom I reserved for
special occasions like this one, but then I realised this is an
international festival, and most people checking a review of the musical entries days
before the big night are gay enough to have picked up, at the very least, a
rudimentary English level for such purposes. The best memes our country
produces, however, are in our native language, even if the puns and inside
jokes showcased in them are hard to translate to a foreigner. Maybe if we
don't absolutely humiliate ourselves for ONE YEAR (highly unlikely), I'll
write something about them after the fact.
You had to be there
It's no secret that Spain has done infamously poorly these last few years,
but not long ago (okay, quite long ago, I was a child), we used to
place in the top 10 and harbor some yearly belief that we had a shot at
winning. After all, corruption accusations aside (Cliff Richard, I see
you!), we did it twice, and consecutively, in 1968 and 1969.
But after a 6-7-8-10 from 2001 to 2004 (courtesy of Spain's
Operación Triunfo as a selection process, and bangers like
Dile que la quiero, Europe's Living a Celebration and
Dime, staples of any verbena de pueblo worth its salt), we've
pretty much flatlined. We were dead last in 2017, have been bottom 5 (for
the neophytes, the dubious honor of ranking among the 5 least-scoring
countries in one particular year) a grand total of ten times (2005, 2006,
2007, 2009, 2011, 2013, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019), the last four being
consecutive, and have peaked with a lukewarm 10th place twice (in 2012 and
2014). Does Europe (and Australia!) hate us, or do we just suck ass?
Well, it is true that we do enter the final without the nerve-wracking
selection process that are the semi-finals (put in place in 2004, when too
many countries participating made them necessary and, coincidentally, the
beginning of the end for us), because we are members of the Big 5 (as are
called the countries that most money contribute to the EBU, as Wikipedia
will tell you), which doesn't seem to sit right with the rest of
Europe's spirit.
But, if we're being honest, we do suck ass most of the time. Our selection
process is wack, our entries are usually questionable, and even when the
song is good, our country doesn't invest all that money in stage
presentation. I'd argue the language barrier doesn't help, and neither does
the fact that we're stuck on the edge of the continent, with not too many
neighbors to lend us a helping hand (Andorra up and left some years ago),
but countries like France and Germany routinely do better than us with
similar issues (I'll say this, though; some countries keep voting for their neighbors, even with a jury, but we're the ones who lost those precious Portugal points!).
Who can forget that one time we sent THIS in 2008 and I truly predicted a
top 5 finish for us? Loving that faith!
Which actually, and even though it was a "joke entry", did place better than
the previous year, because we sent a boy band well into their mid-20s and
out of tune. See, English title! No one bit.
Or when we thought the entirety of Europe (or at least the gay half that
watches this show) would care about two straights singing
really close to each other in the year of our lord 2018 just because
a bunch of adults wanted to profit off of their relationship by claiming love was
invented by them and forcing one likely unwilling half of that pair to be
dragged into a stage just be abandoned, Anne Hathaway-style, by the other
half?
Reeeaaaally close! Guess who abandoned who? By the way, every sane,
over-16-years-old person in Spain KNEW this would flop. Lo Malo hive, where you at!
And I could go on and on, but the point is Spain always seems to be one
year late with trends, rehashing with less effort and quality what worked
the year before, or relying on songs that, sure, can be solid, without
thinking that other countries will also have that plus stage production that
will appeal to the judges.
All of this has induced a change of attitude in me over the years. I used
to really feel this contest, Glenn Close-style, as one does when he thinks
he has a shot at winning, even if it's slim. I would merrily predict a top 5
placement with my whole chest then get up in arms when we did poorly. With
time, I just accepted it was more fun to not factor our result into my
enjoyment, and became one of those people who claimed we never
send anything good.
However! I do think sometimes we've placed poorly just because Europe is
used to not paying that much attention to our entries (fair), even if they
were rather solid. Just two years ago (the last edition celebrated, due to
COVID-19), Miki's La Venda deserved better than the 20th place it
got. As un-Eurovision-y as his song was, some of the other shit that
ranked above us was worse. Plus, he was hella hot.
But anyways! Let's not dwell in the past, for we have 39 new songs to rip
into this year. I'm not gonna lie, there were some serious bangers that were
unfairly thrown away last time, and some of the returning artists have
failed to struck lightning twice. It's a shame the representatives from
Iceland or Azerbaijan, for example, can't present their previous songs,
because they were winners in my heart.
How am I going to do this? Well, as usual, I woke up one day mid-may and
realized the fest was approaching really fast and I had failed to keep up
with the countries' submissions, so I did a little listening party with my
sister this sunday and went as far as every song that will compete in
Semi-final 1 (plus the three already-qualified countries – in this
case, Germany, Italy and The Netherlands).
The overall outlook is... mediocre. Why lie! I was going to share my thoughts on
all the numbres and then list my 10 favorite songs (because only 10 out of
the 16 entries will qualify), but I didn't even like that many, so we'll
have to work with what we have. I also didn't see the stage numbers, rather the
official music videos, but checking the Eurovision winning odds of some of
them kinda spills the tea on who sucks live and who turns a meh song into
something eye-catching. We'll see, on tuesday, who eats and who's chewed up
and spat out. Let's go!
LITHUANIA – THE ROOP (DISCOTEQUE)
This walks the fine line between camp and crack-induced nightmare, with the
commitment needed to sell it. Cool, scary, and hard to explain to
non-Europeans, right of the bat. It's a yes from me. Why the anime-like
costumes, though?
SLOVENIA – ANA SOKLIČ (AMEN)
It wouldn't be Eurovision without a great voice singing a boring-ass balad
for you to take a bathroom break to. The ending transitions serve
cringe.
RUSSIA – MANIZHA (RUSSIAN WOMAN)
Russia was one of the countries that got royaly screwed last year, since
their 2020 submission (Uno, by Little Big) was a banger and one of
the most popular songs in the festival's history. This year's... not so
much. But you know what? Cry me a river! I'm low-key always rooting
against Russia because I don't feel like having a gay-heavy festival hosted
in a country where they're persecuted. It's not the performer's fault, but
it is what it is. The song has an interesting message about women, and
Manizha has a cool style, but let's be honest; if Spain did this (a cheaper,
more poorly-staged version, sure), we'd eat crow at the bottom of the
ranking.
SWEDEN – TUSSE (VOICES)
So true king, but you're gonna need to find that tone on Eurovision night.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
AUSTRALIA – MONTAIGNE (TECHNICOLOUR)
Well, at least she's not dressed as a clown this year! Australia has had
some strong submissions in the past, but overall they're still trying to
figure out what the festival's about. It looks like they haven't yet found
it. This does look better live, though (but that's just because the
music video is cringey).
NORTH MACEDONIA – VASIL (HERE I STAND)
This is probably the worst song from the 20+ I've heard. So intense, so
dramatic, girl, pull yourself together! And as much as I empathize with how
much it must have sucked for artists to have the festival cancelled last
year, watching this grown man cry on cue about it felt like witnessing
Cardi B lose it over not being able to go out and eat sushi. But, you know,
less iconic.
IRELAND – LESLEY ROY (MAPS)
There's a joke somewhere about Roy having the most Irish-sounding name
possible, but watching this woman go off in the middle of the moors while
fist-bumping the sky as if in the beat-drop of a mid-2000s tecktonik concert, and
dressed (my sister pointed out) as a Star Wars character (the
glove-sleeves, I guess? her mind works in weird ways) just didn't do it for
me.
CYPRUS – ELENA TSAGRINOU (EL DIABLO)
We reach the midway point in this first semi-final and FINALLY! A banger!
Probably my favorite entry in this first batch (or right up there),
Tsagrinou is here to proof you can milk those two Duolingo classes
for all their worth: el diablo, mamacita, Lola loca...
and there you have it! Efendi had it last year when she rolled those 'r's in
her hit, Cleopatra; Tsagrinou is the heir apparent. You
can get a good result with a Spanish song, just not if you're
representing Spain. My sister even asked "but does she speak Spanish?". If
you can fool her, you can call it a day! You also just know Tsagrinou
will follow in her predecessor and compatriot Eleni Foureira's footsteps by
attempting to be crowned queen of the gays, thus netting a successful stint
as future Pride parade-headliner.
NORWAY – TIX (FALLEN ANGEL)
Somebody lied to this man several times, told him he would serve sporting
this tacky outfit that screams influencer with daddy's money. I can't get
over how bad this whole thing is.
CROATIA – ALBINA (TICK-TOCK)
Another early contestant for Queen of the Gays of this edition. The
rather low ranking this has in the predictions is a clear indicative that it
must be a bit floppy live (which, doing some light research, might be true),
but I don't care because I live for bubblegum pop straight out from the
aughts.
BELGIUM – HOOVERPHONIC (THE WRONG PLACE)
If this semi-final had material for 10 strong entries, this would probably
serve borderline qualification, but since I could barely scrap 8 solid
submissions, I think Belgium makes a strong case for itself. I like the song
and the vibe; we'll have to see if the final staging makes this pop.
ISRAEL – EDEN ALENE (SET ME FREE)
Eden's performance and style do a lot to sell this song, and she mostly
succeeds making this look as cool as she is. But I'm not sure, seeing how
things are right now over there, this is the year Israel manages to invite
Europe over, with a song called Set Me Free, of all things.
ROMANIA – ROXEN (AMNESIA)
My sister liked this but, to me, it serves mid-show bathroom break.
AZERBAIJAN – EFENDI (MATA HARI)
Efendi is another returning act that's vying for that gay parade
headlining act, and also another artist that was screwed out of a better
song. Don't get me wrong, Mata Hari still slaps, but
Cleopatra (with the rolled 'r') was SUPERIOR. Another case of
my-odds-don't-lie, I don't think I ever saw Efendi actually sing live
while performing Cleopatra, and I don't think dancing is her thing either. But Azerbaijan won once
a decade ago with a song no one remembers, so there's hope in voters and
juries choosing to celebrate her 2020 entry retroactively.
UKRAINE – GO_A (SHUM)
I didn't like this at first. It sounded annoying and high-picted. But like
high-pitched and potentially-annoying hit Barbie Girl, this
Carrie-Anne Moss knock-off is a grower and gets in your head. Is that good
or bad? Well, that's up to you.
MALTA – DESTINY (JE ME CASSE)
Another entry I would have described as "borderline qualifies" in a
stronger year. But I like her energy and; if she does well live, this could
be a grower.
As you can see, not a lot of bops! I've heard this is also the stronger
semi, which... Anyways, my Top 8 (the best I can do) would be Cyprus,
Croatia, Lithuania, Azerbaijan and Ukraine, followed by Belgium and Malta
and, uhm, Israel, I guess? Every country listed will get to vote in this
semi, as well as two of the Big 5 (Italy and Germany), and 2019's winner,
The Netherlands. Here's what they got:
GERMANY – JENDRIK (I DON'T FEEL HATE)
Okay! So... I don't HATE it, but I do think this is gonna set the gay movement back by at least 50 years. Naur, it's trew. Love the energy, though! Maybe I'll
embrace its unabashed positivity on Eurovision night, who knows, but uhm...
I don't think so.
ITALY – MÅNESKIN (ZITTI E BUONI)
This isn't my kind of music, but I don't know, it's different and they look
hot, so who am I to say no? My sister said this was not a Eurovision song
(as a concept, created to attempt a good placement), but just a song, the
kind that doesn't fit the fest patterns but works, and benefits from being a
stark contrast to the rest of entries. It ranks, right now, first in the
polls, and you know what? Good for Italy! Since their return, they've been
committed and usually brought good stuff, so it might as well be their year
to win (it should've been Mahmood's Soldi, though!). Watch Spain attempt to replicate it next year, to abysmal results.
THE NETHERLANDS – JEANGU MACROOY (BIRTH OF A NEW AGE)
Voters tend to be lenient with the host. A country rarely repeats in consecutive years, but it rarely ends up in a terrible position after winning. Call it buyers remorse, or happy guest guilt. The Netherlands will need all of those to compensate for this good vibes-only flop.
And that's it for now! I'll have a second batch of reactions ready after the first semi-final, which airs tonight, and before the second. Then maybe one more to sum it all up before the big night. I'll try to remember how on Earth the voting worked on the final, because ever since they changed it for the last time, I magically forget every year. I won't even try for the semis, though, I'll just tell myself they pull names out of a hat, and hope they are the right ones. Let's get this shit started!
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