Unreliable Narrators: 2021

Friday, May 21, 2021

Eurovision Song Contest 2021: A yawn fest with little surprises and we're headed for the final – pt. 3

Music Friday, May 21, 2021 0

I just can't get enough of this Lucas Hedges-looking dude with the cool dance moves.

On GOD was the second semi-final boring! There were FOUR good songs. They passed. The end. I dared say the first wasn't impressive but, in comparison, it was a blast. Let's recap, shall we? –WAIT! LOOK AT ME! CHECK OUT THE RIGHT SIDEBAR POLL. YOU MIGHT MISS IT LATER. SEE IT? VOTE!– Now you may proceed. We had four bangers, beginning with a quarantined Iceland that had to use their rehearsal tape. They were magnificent, as expected, and the new song has really come out from under last year's shadow.

I hope they get to compete live in the actual final.

Then I dropped dead for half an hour or so. Then we had Portugal and Bulgaria back-to-back in what was the most exciting part of the semi-final. Another comatose-like state. And then Switzerland. The three of them served vocals. Portugal transitioned from B&W to color; Bulgaria dazzled with her light-and-sand show; and Switzerland went all out with his arm-o-graphy.

Look at this cute bean go! He was cheering when they played our song; seemed to know the lyrics to it. Is he...? Y'know...

All four of them will crack the Top 10 if there's any justice in this world. The rest of the semi-final didn't even register. I couldn't even remember the rest of countries when they were announced as finalists, but Finland completed the nordic trio, alongside Norway and Sweden, that didn't deserve a place in the final, but got in anyway because Gaslight, Gatekeep, Glacier.

This way, Iceland, Switzerland, Bulgaria and Portugal join my other favorite songs from semi-final one (Ukraine, Cyprus, Azerbaijan, Belgium, Lithuania –pause– and Malta) to form a rather solid Top 10. I've also warmed up to France with more listenings, and I decided early on I dug Italy enough to accept their probable victory. Add to that Spain out of unflappable patriotism, and you have my top half for the final.

The odds seem to be in my favor, in most cases. 8 of them are predicted to end within the Top 10; two more to complete the top half; and then only three seem to be faltering towards the bottom: Azerbaijan (17th), Belgium (20th) and, you guessed it, Spain (26th). Dead last. Is that fair? Well, I might sound biased, but it isn't. Half the shit in this semi-final was, objectively, worse than what we have presented. This is prejudice! –He screamed into the night.

Portugal going from not qualifying to winning and placing better than us for several years is both a proud-brother moment and embarrassing as hell.

Even among my favorites, though, I don't necessarily agree with the likely placing they'll end up getting. Neither Italy or France would be my choice to win the title, but at least all those songs are getting some recognition in the form of votes, 12 points and the possibility to thank the camera while the arena cheers. We will get crickets. And Norwegian scorn. By the way, not only were the collaborators in that TV program rude as hell, but also, who are they to talk? Norway's song is godawful!

So it looks like I'll have to wait, one more year, for the last moment in the show, when the jury-per-country points have already been given and they give out the televote in one go, to hear Spain's name called, alongside a depressing amount of points that will stuck us in the bottom five, if not last place. Still, one never knows; the results are always the best part of the Eurovision final. I get such a RUSH!

See that? Remember this iconic moment? This never happens to us.

BUT in my blog, I we still get to call the shots, so you can go to the right sidebar, if you haven't yet, and vote for your favorite Eurovision song this year, thus deciding who should win, in your opinion. The poll will be open well past the performances on Saturday night (I should close it with the countdown they do, but I'll probably be distracted and forget until the next day). The results will be announced in the next entry, where I'll talk a bit about the funniest, most iconic bits from the final (I hope it's more first semi-final than second), and complain about the results. Until then...

Strike a pose! Would it be too much to learn the actual dance from the song? I'm not gonna lie, I'm tempted...

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Eurovision Song Contest 2021: Ukraine and Cyprus shine as the second semi–final looms near – pt. 2

Music Thursday, May 20, 2021 0

She came, She saw, She conquered.

One semi-final down, one to go! And I have to say, the level was better than I expected. Some acts that hinged on presentation got really creative and solidified their placings in the final. And although there was the expected flop, and the occasional in-pursuit-of-the-right-tone mess, voice-wise, most passed the test. Let's do a quick review of who hit, who missed, who advanced to the final, and who should've stayed home (non-intended Australia pun!).

"¡Acroyoga, que me encanta!"

This queen, giving it her all with half the semi-final on a back that was contorted as if rent was due the very next morning. One of my favorites, probably only outshined by how much of a slayyy the Ukranian performance was. It's admirable that it could be, in principle, an annoying song, but they twisted its technofolklore leanings into one of the most eye-and-ear-catching songs of the semi with exceptional vocals and to-die-for staging. That's how you produce a banger.

Another artist that didn't disappoint and, in fact, surprised me with a very solid vocal presentation and dance, was Efendi, who ate the my-ponytail-doesn't-lie portion of her performance, and didn't fail to remember us she should be voted for two songs, Mata Hari and Cleopatra.

¡Díselo, reina!

Pay her her due, I say. Likewise for Belgium; I was worried they would fall flat live, but they truly showed their experience with a moody, enigmatic and enthralling performance.

I love this Cate Blanchett-looking girl.

Lithuania and Malta also qualified with very solid performances. All in all, the only one I was rooting for who didn't make it was Croatia. Sure, she was the discount version of Cyprus, but she still was MILES better than whatever Norway or Sweden did. The first one I'm still shocked it qualified; the second one I'm not, because it's Sweden, but c'mon, Tusse was super out of tune, not everything they do must make the final.

Albina, baby, you were ROBBED! You were a bit out of tune at the beginning, but don't listen to that, you did great, sweety!

Breaking that stat was Australia, who joined the flops of Slovenia, North Macedonia, Ireland (they had to take a break for her to prepare the stage and then she barely sang?) and Romania, but won the meme night because every living soul was reminded that it was like 5AM where Montaigne (Montañita, as the Spanish audience nicknamed her) was performing, and she was probably midway to sleep.

Israel, and especially Russia, did very well for themselves, but I would've given their place in the final to Croatia because I don't feel like supporting their countries, even in a musical competition. There should be certian rules against nations who pull the shit they do competing, but I guess that would be a logistical nightmare.

But anyways, let's move on to the second semi-final. I have had to cram the listening party I just did at 1AM because my final research project tutor decided to advance the deadline of the last big project in my degree by two weeks, so I have no time to breath now. Still, if I thought the first semi was nothing to call home about... this was... well, bad. In comparison, and especially after listening to them live, the first semi-final was rather strong. There's like 4 survivors here, awaiting the live performance to make or break the others. Let's see what we can expect from this thursday's show.

SAN MARINO – SENHIT (ADRENALINA)

This is Spanish tertulia legend Lydia Lozano; I have no proof, but no doubts either. Listen, the Duolingo craze stops now. Not everything is allowed. You can't just pick a word with a rolled 'r' and get the Spanish votes. Absolutely not. And why is Flo Rida here! What secrets does Senhit lord over him?

ESTONIA – UKU SUVISTE (THE LUCKY ONE)

Something about this song is really bland, and the music video kinda made me cringe. I don't wanna see you getting it on with a model in a cologne ad, Uku, you're way too old for this!

CZECH REPUBLIC – BENNY CRISTO (OMAGA)

So this isn't bad, and I like when it changes the rythm, but the fact that half the song is "OMG, you're so beautiful"... yes, revolutionary.

GREECE – STEFANIA (LAST DANCE)

All of these songs are starting to blend together. I like the chorus, I guess? But, honestly, unless this does something crazy live, I don't understand it placing so high in the winning bets. Other than, you know, this being Greece.

AUSTRIA – VINCENT BUENO (AMEN)

Zzzzzzzz-mhm? Where am I? Oh, yes. God, what a snooze-fest. Second song this year called Amen. The other was Slovenia and it didn't make the cut. Neither will this. Jesus, if you're listening to his prayer, make it stop.

POLAND – RAFAŁ (THE RIDE)

Looking camp right in the eye. I like the kind of music it is, but this isn't popping. It will be "insteresting" to see what they do live.

MOLDOVA – NATALIA GORDIENKO (SUGAR)

Props for the music video aesthetic, that they better reproduce live, because the song is fine, but could benefit a lot from something that makes it pop.

ICELAND – DAÐI OG GAGNAMAGNIÐ (10 YEARS)

I'm super sad Daði and his group can't perform live due to a COVID-19 positive. They've now been screwed twice, because they also had one of my favorite songs last year (Think About Things), which they had to drop for something rather similar (my sister says it's the same song with different lyrics). Still, I can't get enough of this Lucas Hedges-looking dude and his weird little dances and long hair, so I wish them the very best.

SERBIA – HURRICANO (LOCO LOCO)

How many Spanish titles do we have this year? Oh, my god! Without the rolled 'r's, though, Serbia has little chance to make a dent.

GEORGIA – TORNIKE KIPIANI (YOU)

I can feel myself drifting to sleep. God, this semi truly is a wasteland, huh? No, because, WHO thought it was a good idea to bring this literal lullaby to Eurovision? This isn't even a mid-show bathroom break; I would fall asleep into the toilet if I went.

ALBANIA – ANXHELA PERISTERI (KARMA)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... SOMEONE TAKE ME OUT ALREADY! The first semi-final truly was the strongest one.

PORTUGAL – THE BLACK MAMBA (LOVE IS ON MY SIDE)

Finally! Something that makes you wanna keep listening. Portugal better qualify because this semi-final has literally no competition, WTF? It's not an out-and-out banger, but its slow pace is warm rather than boring, and I love its soul sensibilities. It's a yes from me, Portugal, you will secure the Spanish vote.

BULGARIA – VICTORUA (GROWING UP IS GETTING OLD)

Steal the Lana del Rey look, mix it with Billie Eilish vocals. No, but the song is really cool, and it will surely pop more in the final, when it's not sorrounded by such a slow-sounding competition and it provides more of a contrast. It will be interesting to see if her vocals hold live, but they sure are pretty in the music video.

FINLAND – BLIND CHANNEL (DARK SIDE)

The put-your-middle-fingers-up, fuck-your-dad-and-your-teachers attitude makes for a strange contrast with the Justin Timberlake-like part of the chorus. I'm gonna be honest, I'm like... not in the mood for this? I'm sure they're lovely dudes, but, uhm, they're too angry for me. Like, I get it! But maybe try meditation?

LATVIA – SAMANTA TĪNA (THE MOON IS RISING)

It's important to have a positive image of oneself and good self-esteem. Do this song and artist match the level of queen-ness Samantha seems to think they're owed? Not really.

SWITZERLAND – GJON'S TEARS (TOUT L'UNIVERS)

This is how you properly do a ballad. I can see why it ranks high in this semi-final, and stands alone within the rest of the contenders in the festival. As Bulgaria before it, it will benefit from a more pop-heavy final, as contrast. It eerily reminds me of Thom Yorke's music for the film Suspiria.

DENMARK – FYR & FLAMME (ØVE OS PÅ HINANDEN)

And another blah mess to end the semi-final. How appropriate.

So I was wrong, and the first semi-final was, in fact, strong. There's only 4 good songs here: Iceland, Portugal, Bulgaria and Switzerland. There literally isn't anything else worth saving. As in the first, every country listed will get to vote in this semi, as well as the three remaining members of the Big 5 (France, the United Kingdom and our beloved Spain). Here's what they got:

FRANCE – BARBARA PRAVI (VOILÀ)

This is second in the final ranking odds (right below Italy as of now) and I don't quite get it? I like the vibe, but for a Top 3? A tad high, no? It reminds me of a film score with good moments, but which isn't exactly exciting from beginning to end. Still, coming out of the second semi-final, anything sounds better, so I'm not mad.

UNITED KINGDOM – JAMES NEWMAN (EMBERS)

The United Kingdom, the evergreen second-placer, which has done very well for itself in the fest, has been sucking almost as much uninterrumpted ass as Spain for almost two decades. What happened to you, UK? This looks and sounds like a Tchin Tchin, by Alain Afflelou commercial. And he's not moving. Salina, move!

SPAIN – BLAS CANTÓ (VOY A QUEDARME)

¡Pues a mi me gusta! *Cue to tears* I don't give a fuck what those bullies in Norway say: this is a good song. Especially after all this trash in the second semi-final. Of course, I was watching the first and every Spanish Eurovision fan had the same WTF, awkward Selina Meyer chuckle when we realized every other country had invested in cool-as-hell staging while we have a godawful 30ft tall moon hanging from the roof. It is what it is, but just know there will be worse songs that will place better than us in that final. I think the problem is we never make something cool enough to crack the Top 10 (Pastora Soler, you're excluded from this narrative, you were God-tier!), and then the remaining votes are spread out through neighbors and countries that usually do well. No one remembers us and, in the end, we don't invest enough money in staging to make our performances pop, either.

And that's that on that! I'm honestly happy to be done with this second semi-final mess. I do think, though, the few bangers it contains will do nicely with the rest of qualifiers from the first semi, along with an unusually strong Big 5. I'll try to have the next post ready soon after the second semi-final, because it'll include a poll for you to vote for who you think deserves to win Eurovision this year, out of the 26 countries that do make it into the final. Until then...

Keep praying for us, will you? Do it for her!

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Eurovision Song Contest 2021: Camp, gays and bottom–fived Spain! (COVID-19 approved Edition) – pt. 1

Music Tuesday, May 18, 2021 0

All rise for the National Anthem!

I can see how the title of this entry can be interpreted as a pun, and it wasn't intended, but hey! a happy coincidence. For Eurovision is coming, and so does the gayest, most iconic festivity in the Spanish calendar. It is also our most patriotic, other than when a new season of Sense8 used to drop and we pretended we cared about the plot for fifteen seconds before hitting replay on Miguel Ángel Silvestre's sex scenes.

I thought about writing this in Spanish, as a freedom I reserved for special occasions like this one, but then I realised this is an international festival, and most people checking a review of the musical entries days before the big night are gay enough to have picked up, at the very least, a rudimentary English level for such purposes. The best memes our country produces, however, are in our native language, even if the puns and inside jokes showcased in them are hard to translate to a foreigner. Maybe if we don't absolutely humiliate ourselves for ONE YEAR (highly unlikely), I'll write something about them after the fact.

You had to be there

It's no secret that Spain has done infamously poorly these last few years, but not long ago (okay, quite long ago, I was a child), we used to place in the top 10 and harbor some yearly belief that we had a shot at winning. After all, corruption accusations aside (Cliff Richard, I see you!), we did it twice, and consecutively, in 1968 and 1969.

Massiel (La La La), Spain's first (and only solo) win, in 1968: Look at how she ate that!

But after a 6-7-8-10 from 2001 to 2004 (courtesy of Spain's Operación Triunfo as a selection process, and bangers like Dile que la quiero, Europe's Living a Celebration and Dime, staples of any verbena de pueblo worth its salt), we've pretty much flatlined. We were dead last in 2017, have been bottom 5 (for the neophytes, the dubious honor of ranking among the 5 least-scoring countries in one particular year) a grand total of ten times (2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2011, 2013, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019), the last four being consecutive, and have peaked with a lukewarm 10th place twice (in 2012 and 2014). Does Europe (and Australia!) hate us, or do we just suck ass?

Well, it is true that we do enter the final without the nerve-wracking selection process that are the semi-finals (put in place in 2004, when too many countries participating made them necessary and, coincidentally, the beginning of the end for us), because we are members of the Big 5 (as are called the countries that most money contribute to the EBU, as Wikipedia will tell you), which doesn't seem to sit right with the rest of Europe's spirit.

But, if we're being honest, we do suck ass most of the time. Our selection process is wack, our entries are usually questionable, and even when the song is good, our country doesn't invest all that money in stage presentation. I'd argue the language barrier doesn't help, and neither does the fact that we're stuck on the edge of the continent, with not too many neighbors to lend us a helping hand (Andorra up and left some years ago), but countries like France and Germany routinely do better than us with similar issues (I'll say this, though; some countries keep voting for their neighbors, even with a jury, but we're the ones who lost those precious Portugal points!).

Who can forget that one time we sent THIS in 2008 and I truly predicted a top 5 finish for us? Loving that faith!

Which actually, and even though it was a "joke entry", did place better than the previous year, because we sent a boy band well into their mid-20s and out of tune. See, English title! No one bit.

Or when we thought the entirety of Europe (or at least the gay half that watches this show) would care about two straights singing really close to each other in the year of our lord 2018 just because a bunch of adults wanted to profit off of their relationship by claiming love was invented by them and forcing one likely unwilling half of that pair to be dragged into a stage just be abandoned, Anne Hathaway-style, by the other half?

Reeeaaaally close! Guess who abandoned who? By the way, every sane, over-16-years-old person in Spain KNEW this would flop. Lo Malo hive, where you at!

And I could go on and on, but the point is Spain always seems to be one year late with trends, rehashing with less effort and quality what worked the year before, or relying on songs that, sure, can be solid, without thinking that other countries will also have that plus stage production that will appeal to the judges.

All of this has induced a change of attitude in me over the years. I used to really feel this contest, Glenn Close-style, as one does when he thinks he has a shot at winning, even if it's slim. I would merrily predict a top 5 placement with my whole chest then get up in arms when we did poorly. With time, I just accepted it was more fun to not factor our result into my enjoyment, and became one of those people who claimed we never send anything good.

However! I do think sometimes we've placed poorly just because Europe is used to not paying that much attention to our entries (fair), even if they were rather solid. Just two years ago (the last edition celebrated, due to COVID-19), Miki's La Venda deserved better than the 20th place it got. As un-Eurovision-y as his song was, some of the other shit that ranked above us was worse. Plus, he was hella hot.

Say what you will about his song not being Eurovision-appropriate, but he was spilling straight facts here!

But anyways! Let's not dwell in the past, for we have 39 new songs to rip into this year. I'm not gonna lie, there were some serious bangers that were unfairly thrown away last time, and some of the returning artists have failed to struck lightning twice. It's a shame the representatives from Iceland or Azerbaijan, for example, can't present their previous songs, because they were winners in my heart.

How am I going to do this? Well, as usual, I woke up one day mid-may and realized the fest was approaching really fast and I had failed to keep up with the countries' submissions, so I did a little listening party with my sister this sunday and went as far as every song that will compete in Semi-final 1 (plus the three already-qualified countries – in this case, Germany, Italy and The Netherlands).

The overall outlook is... mediocre. Why lie! I was going to share my thoughts on all the numbres and then list my 10 favorite songs (because only 10 out of the 16 entries will qualify), but I didn't even like that many, so we'll have to work with what we have. I also didn't see the stage numbers, rather the official music videos, but checking the Eurovision winning odds of some of them kinda spills the tea on who sucks live and who turns a meh song into something eye-catching. We'll see, on tuesday, who eats and who's chewed up and spat out. Let's go!

LITHUANIA – THE ROOP (DISCOTEQUE)

This walks the fine line between camp and crack-induced nightmare, with the commitment needed to sell it. Cool, scary, and hard to explain to non-Europeans, right of the bat. It's a yes from me. Why the anime-like costumes, though?

SLOVENIA – ANA SOKLIČ (AMEN)

It wouldn't be Eurovision without a great voice singing a boring-ass balad for you to take a bathroom break to. The ending transitions serve cringe.

RUSSIA – MANIZHA (RUSSIAN WOMAN)

Russia was one of the countries that got royaly screwed last year, since their 2020 submission (Uno, by Little Big) was a banger and one of the most popular songs in the festival's history. This year's... not so much. But you know what? Cry me a river! I'm low-key always rooting against Russia because I don't feel like having a gay-heavy festival hosted in a country where they're persecuted. It's not the performer's fault, but it is what it is. The song has an interesting message about women, and Manizha has a cool style, but let's be honest; if Spain did this (a cheaper, more poorly-staged version, sure), we'd eat crow at the bottom of the ranking.

SWEDEN – TUSSE (VOICES)

So true king, but you're gonna need to find that tone on Eurovision night. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

AUSTRALIA – MONTAIGNE (TECHNICOLOUR)

Well, at least she's not dressed as a clown this year! Australia has had some strong submissions in the past, but overall they're still trying to figure out what the festival's about. It looks like they haven't yet found it. This does look better live, though (but that's just because the music video is cringey).

NORTH MACEDONIA – VASIL (HERE I STAND)

This is probably the worst song from the 20+ I've heard. So intense, so dramatic, girl, pull yourself together! And as much as I empathize with how much it must have sucked for artists to have the festival cancelled last year, watching this grown man cry on cue about it felt like witnessing Cardi B lose it over not being able to go out and eat sushi. But, you know, less iconic.

IRELAND – LESLEY ROY (MAPS)

There's a joke somewhere about Roy having the most Irish-sounding name possible, but watching this woman go off in the middle of the moors while fist-bumping the sky as if in the beat-drop of a mid-2000s tecktonik concert, and dressed (my sister pointed out) as a Star Wars character (the glove-sleeves, I guess? her mind works in weird ways) just didn't do it for me.

CYPRUS – ELENA TSAGRINOU (EL DIABLO)

We reach the midway point in this first semi-final and FINALLY! A banger! Probably my favorite entry in this first batch (or right up there), Tsagrinou is here to proof you can milk those two Duolingo classes for all their worth: el diablo, mamacita, Lola loca... and there you have it! Efendi had it last year when she rolled those 'r's in her hit, Cleopatra; Tsagrinou is the heir apparent. You can get a good result with a Spanish song, just not if you're representing Spain. My sister even asked "but does she speak Spanish?". If you can fool her, you can call it a day! You also just know Tsagrinou will follow in her predecessor and compatriot Eleni Foureira's footsteps by attempting to be crowned queen of the gays, thus netting a successful stint as future Pride parade-headliner.

NORWAY – TIX (FALLEN ANGEL)

Somebody lied to this man several times, told him he would serve sporting this tacky outfit that screams influencer with daddy's money. I can't get over how bad this whole thing is.

CROATIA – ALBINA (TICK-TOCK)

Another early contestant for Queen of the Gays of this edition. The rather low ranking this has in the predictions is a clear indicative that it must be a bit floppy live (which, doing some light research, might be true), but I don't care because I live for bubblegum pop straight out from the aughts.

BELGIUM – HOOVERPHONIC (THE WRONG PLACE)

If this semi-final had material for 10 strong entries, this would probably serve borderline qualification, but since I could barely scrap 8 solid submissions, I think Belgium makes a strong case for itself. I like the song and the vibe; we'll have to see if the final staging makes this pop.

ISRAEL – EDEN ALENE (SET ME FREE)

Eden's performance and style do a lot to sell this song, and she mostly succeeds making this look as cool as she is. But I'm not sure, seeing how things are right now over there, this is the year Israel manages to invite Europe over, with a song called Set Me Free, of all things.

ROMANIA – ROXEN (AMNESIA)

My sister liked this but, to me, it serves mid-show bathroom break.

AZERBAIJAN – EFENDI (MATA HARI)

Efendi is another returning act that's vying for that gay parade headlining act, and also another artist that was screwed out of a better song. Don't get me wrong, Mata Hari still slaps, but Cleopatra (with the rolled 'r') was SUPERIOR. Another case of my-odds-don't-lie, I don't think I ever saw Efendi actually sing live while performing Cleopatra, and I don't think dancing is her thing either. But Azerbaijan won once a decade ago with a song no one remembers, so there's hope in voters and juries choosing to celebrate her 2020 entry retroactively.

UKRAINE – GO_A (SHUM)

I didn't like this at first. It sounded annoying and high-picted. But like high-pitched and potentially-annoying hit Barbie Girl, this Carrie-Anne Moss knock-off is a grower and gets in your head. Is that good or bad? Well, that's up to you.

MALTA – DESTINY (JE ME CASSE)

Another entry I would have described as "borderline qualifies" in a stronger year. But I like her energy and; if she does well live, this could be a grower.

As you can see, not a lot of bops! I've heard this is also the stronger semi, which... Anyways, my Top 8 (the best I can do) would be Cyprus, Croatia, Lithuania, Azerbaijan and Ukraine, followed by Belgium and Malta and, uhm, Israel, I guess? Every country listed will get to vote in this semi, as well as two of the Big 5 (Italy and Germany), and 2019's winner, The Netherlands. Here's what they got:

GERMANY – JENDRIK (I DON'T FEEL HATE)

Okay! So... I don't HATE it, but I do think this is gonna set the gay movement back by at least 50 years. Naur, it's trew. Love the energy, though! Maybe I'll embrace its unabashed positivity on Eurovision night, who knows, but uhm... I don't think so.

ITALY – MÅNESKIN (ZITTI E BUONI)

This isn't my kind of music, but I don't know, it's different and they look hot, so who am I to say no? My sister said this was not a Eurovision song (as a concept, created to attempt a good placement), but just a song, the kind that doesn't fit the fest patterns but works, and benefits from being a stark contrast to the rest of entries. It ranks, right now, first in the polls, and you know what? Good for Italy! Since their return, they've been committed and usually brought good stuff, so it might as well be their year to win (it should've been Mahmood's Soldi, though!). Watch Spain attempt to replicate it next year, to abysmal results.

THE NETHERLANDS – JEANGU MACROOY (BIRTH OF A NEW AGE)

Voters tend to be lenient with the host. A country rarely repeats in consecutive years, but it rarely ends up in a terrible position after winning. Call it buyers remorse, or happy guest guilt. The Netherlands will need all of those to compensate for this good vibes-only flop.

And that's it for now! I'll have a second batch of reactions ready after the first semi-final, which airs tonight, and before the second. Then maybe one more to sum it all up before the big night. I'll try to remember how on Earth the voting worked on the final, because ever since they changed it for the last time, I magically forget every year. I won't even try for the semis, though, I'll just tell myself they pull names out of a hat, and hope they are the right ones. Let's get this shit started!