Unreliable Narrators

I just can't get enough of this Lucas Hedges-looking dude with the cool dance moves.

On GOD was the second semi-final boring! There were FOUR good songs. They passed. The end. I dared say the first wasn't impressive but, in comparison, it was a blast. Let's recap, shall we? –WAIT! LOOK AT ME! CHECK OUT THE RIGHT SIDEBAR POLL. YOU MIGHT MISS IT LATER. SEE IT? VOTE!– Now you may proceed. We had four bangers, beginning with a quarantined Iceland that had to use their rehearsal tape. They were magnificent, as expected, and the new song has really come out from under last year's shadow.

I hope they get to compete live in the actual final.

Then I dropped dead for half an hour or so. Then we had Portugal and Bulgaria back-to-back in what was the most exciting part of the semi-final. Another comatose-like state. And then Switzerland. The three of them served vocals. Portugal transitioned from B&W to color; Bulgaria dazzled with her light-and-sand show; and Switzerland went all out with his arm-o-graphy.

Look at this cute bean go! He was cheering when they played our song; seemed to know the lyrics to it. Is he...? Y'know...

All four of them will crack the Top 10 if there's any justice in this world. The rest of the semi-final didn't even register. I couldn't even remember the rest of countries when they were announced as finalists, but Finland completed the nordic trio, alongside Norway and Sweden, that didn't deserve a place in the final, but got in anyway because Gaslight, Gatekeep, Glacier.

This way, Iceland, Switzerland, Bulgaria and Portugal join my other favorite songs from semi-final one (Ukraine, Cyprus, Azerbaijan, Belgium, Lithuania –pause– and Malta) to form a rather solid Top 10. I've also warmed up to France with more listenings, and I decided early on I dug Italy enough to accept their probable victory. Add to that Spain out of unflappable patriotism, and you have my top half for the final.

The odds seem to be in my favor, in most cases. 8 of them are predicted to end within the Top 10; two more to complete the top half; and then only three seem to be faltering towards the bottom: Azerbaijan (17th), Belgium (20th) and, you guessed it, Spain (26th). Dead last. Is that fair? Well, I might sound biased, but it isn't. Half the shit in this semi-final was, objectively, worse than what we have presented. This is prejudice! –He screamed into the night.

Portugal going from not qualifying to winning and placing better than us for several years is both a proud-brother moment and embarrassing as hell.

Even among my favorites, though, I don't necessarily agree with the likely placing they'll end up getting. Neither Italy or France would be my choice to win the title, but at least all those songs are getting some recognition in the form of votes, 12 points and the possibility to thank the camera while the arena cheers. We will get crickets. And Norwegian scorn. By the way, not only were the collaborators in that TV program rude as hell, but also, who are they to talk? Norway's song is godawful!

So it looks like I'll have to wait, one more year, for the last moment in the show, when the jury-per-country points have already been given and they give out the televote in one go, to hear Spain's name called, alongside a depressing amount of points that will stuck us in the bottom five, if not last place. Still, one never knows; the results are always the best part of the Eurovision final. I get such a RUSH!

See that? Remember this iconic moment? This never happens to us.

BUT in my blog, I we still get to call the shots, so you can go to the right sidebar, if you haven't yet, and vote for your favorite Eurovision song this year, thus deciding who should win, in your opinion. The poll will be open well past the performances on Saturday night (I should close it with the countdown they do, but I'll probably be distracted and forget until the next day). The results will be announced in the next entry, where I'll talk a bit about the funniest, most iconic bits from the final (I hope it's more first semi-final than second), and complain about the results. Until then...

Strike a pose! Would it be too much to learn the actual dance from the song? I'm not gonna lie, I'm tempted...

She came, She saw, She conquered.

One semi-final down, one to go! And I have to say, the level was better than I expected. Some acts that hinged on presentation got really creative and solidified their placings in the final. And although there was the expected flop, and the occasional in-pursuit-of-the-right-tone mess, voice-wise, most passed the test. Let's do a quick review of who hit, who missed, who advanced to the final, and who should've stayed home (non-intended Australia pun!).

"¡Acroyoga, que me encanta!"

This queen, giving it her all with half the semi-final on a back that was contorted as if rent was due the very next morning. One of my favorites, probably only outshined by how much of a slayyy the Ukranian performance was. It's admirable that it could be, in principle, an annoying song, but they twisted its technofolklore leanings into one of the most eye-and-ear-catching songs of the semi with exceptional vocals and to-die-for staging. That's how you produce a banger.

Another artist that didn't disappoint and, in fact, surprised me with a very solid vocal presentation and dance, was Efendi, who ate the my-ponytail-doesn't-lie portion of her performance, and didn't fail to remember us she should be voted for two songs, Mata Hari and Cleopatra.

¡Díselo, reina!

Pay her her due, I say. Likewise for Belgium; I was worried they would fall flat live, but they truly showed their experience with a moody, enigmatic and enthralling performance.

I love this Cate Blanchett-looking girl.

Lithuania and Malta also qualified with very solid performances. All in all, the only one I was rooting for who didn't make it was Croatia. Sure, she was the discount version of Cyprus, but she still was MILES better than whatever Norway or Sweden did. The first one I'm still shocked it qualified; the second one I'm not, because it's Sweden, but c'mon, Tusse was super out of tune, not everything they do must make the final.

Albina, baby, you were ROBBED! You were a bit out of tune at the beginning, but don't listen to that, you did great, sweety!

Breaking that stat was Australia, who joined the flops of Slovenia, North Macedonia, Ireland (they had to take a break for her to prepare the stage and then she barely sang?) and Romania, but won the meme night because every living soul was reminded that it was like 5AM where Montaigne (Montañita, as the Spanish audience nicknamed her) was performing, and she was probably midway to sleep.

Israel, and especially Russia, did very well for themselves, but I would've given their place in the final to Croatia because I don't feel like supporting their countries, even in a musical competition. There should be certian rules against nations who pull the shit they do competing, but I guess that would be a logistical nightmare.

But anyways, let's move on to the second semi-final. I have had to cram the listening party I just did at 1AM because my final research project tutor decided to advance the deadline of the last big project in my degree by two weeks, so I have no time to breath now. Still, if I thought the first semi was nothing to call home about... this was... well, bad. In comparison, and especially after listening to them live, the first semi-final was rather strong. There's like 4 survivors here, awaiting the live performance to make or break the others. Let's see what we can expect from this thursday's show.

SAN MARINO – SENHIT (ADRENALINA)

This is Spanish tertulia legend Lydia Lozano; I have no proof, but no doubts either. Listen, the Duolingo craze stops now. Not everything is allowed. You can't just pick a word with a rolled 'r' and get the Spanish votes. Absolutely not. And why is Flo Rida here! What secrets does Senhit lord over him?

ESTONIA – UKU SUVISTE (THE LUCKY ONE)

Something about this song is really bland, and the music video kinda made me cringe. I don't wanna see you getting it on with a model in a cologne ad, Uku, you're way too old for this!

CZECH REPUBLIC – BENNY CRISTO (OMAGA)

So this isn't bad, and I like when it changes the rythm, but the fact that half the song is "OMG, you're so beautiful"... yes, revolutionary.

GREECE – STEFANIA (LAST DANCE)

All of these songs are starting to blend together. I like the chorus, I guess? But, honestly, unless this does something crazy live, I don't understand it placing so high in the winning bets. Other than, you know, this being Greece.

AUSTRIA – VINCENT BUENO (AMEN)

Zzzzzzzz-mhm? Where am I? Oh, yes. God, what a snooze-fest. Second song this year called Amen. The other was Slovenia and it didn't make the cut. Neither will this. Jesus, if you're listening to his prayer, make it stop.

POLAND – RAFAŁ (THE RIDE)

Looking camp right in the eye. I like the kind of music it is, but this isn't popping. It will be "insteresting" to see what they do live.

MOLDOVA – NATALIA GORDIENKO (SUGAR)

Props for the music video aesthetic, that they better reproduce live, because the song is fine, but could benefit a lot from something that makes it pop.

ICELAND – DAÐI OG GAGNAMAGNIÐ (10 YEARS)

I'm super sad Daði and his group can't perform live due to a COVID-19 positive. They've now been screwed twice, because they also had one of my favorite songs last year (Think About Things), which they had to drop for something rather similar (my sister says it's the same song with different lyrics). Still, I can't get enough of this Lucas Hedges-looking dude and his weird little dances and long hair, so I wish them the very best.

SERBIA – HURRICANO (LOCO LOCO)

How many Spanish titles do we have this year? Oh, my god! Without the rolled 'r's, though, Serbia has little chance to make a dent.

GEORGIA – TORNIKE KIPIANI (YOU)

I can feel myself drifting to sleep. God, this semi truly is a wasteland, huh? No, because, WHO thought it was a good idea to bring this literal lullaby to Eurovision? This isn't even a mid-show bathroom break; I would fall asleep into the toilet if I went.

ALBANIA – ANXHELA PERISTERI (KARMA)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... SOMEONE TAKE ME OUT ALREADY! The first semi-final truly was the strongest one.

PORTUGAL – THE BLACK MAMBA (LOVE IS ON MY SIDE)

Finally! Something that makes you wanna keep listening. Portugal better qualify because this semi-final has literally no competition, WTF? It's not an out-and-out banger, but its slow pace is warm rather than boring, and I love its soul sensibilities. It's a yes from me, Portugal, you will secure the Spanish vote.

BULGARIA – VICTORUA (GROWING UP IS GETTING OLD)

Steal the Lana del Rey look, mix it with Billie Eilish vocals. No, but the song is really cool, and it will surely pop more in the final, when it's not sorrounded by such a slow-sounding competition and it provides more of a contrast. It will be interesting to see if her vocals hold live, but they sure are pretty in the music video.

FINLAND – BLIND CHANNEL (DARK SIDE)

The put-your-middle-fingers-up, fuck-your-dad-and-your-teachers attitude makes for a strange contrast with the Justin Timberlake-like part of the chorus. I'm gonna be honest, I'm like... not in the mood for this? I'm sure they're lovely dudes, but, uhm, they're too angry for me. Like, I get it! But maybe try meditation?

LATVIA – SAMANTA TĪNA (THE MOON IS RISING)

It's important to have a positive image of oneself and good self-esteem. Do this song and artist match the level of queen-ness Samantha seems to think they're owed? Not really.

SWITZERLAND – GJON'S TEARS (TOUT L'UNIVERS)

This is how you properly do a ballad. I can see why it ranks high in this semi-final, and stands alone within the rest of the contenders in the festival. As Bulgaria before it, it will benefit from a more pop-heavy final, as contrast. It eerily reminds me of Thom Yorke's music for the film Suspiria.

DENMARK – FYR & FLAMME (ØVE OS PÅ HINANDEN)

And another blah mess to end the semi-final. How appropriate.

So I was wrong, and the first semi-final was, in fact, strong. There's only 4 good songs here: Iceland, Portugal, Bulgaria and Switzerland. There literally isn't anything else worth saving. As in the first, every country listed will get to vote in this semi, as well as the three remaining members of the Big 5 (France, the United Kingdom and our beloved Spain). Here's what they got:

FRANCE – BARBARA PRAVI (VOILÀ)

This is second in the final ranking odds (right below Italy as of now) and I don't quite get it? I like the vibe, but for a Top 3? A tad high, no? It reminds me of a film score with good moments, but which isn't exactly exciting from beginning to end. Still, coming out of the second semi-final, anything sounds better, so I'm not mad.

UNITED KINGDOM – JAMES NEWMAN (EMBERS)

The United Kingdom, the evergreen second-placer, which has done very well for itself in the fest, has been sucking almost as much uninterrumpted ass as Spain for almost two decades. What happened to you, UK? This looks and sounds like a Tchin Tchin, by Alain Afflelou commercial. And he's not moving. Salina, move!

SPAIN – BLAS CANTÓ (VOY A QUEDARME)

¡Pues a mi me gusta! *Cue to tears* I don't give a fuck what those bullies in Norway say: this is a good song. Especially after all this trash in the second semi-final. Of course, I was watching the first and every Spanish Eurovision fan had the same WTF, awkward Selina Meyer chuckle when we realized every other country had invested in cool-as-hell staging while we have a godawful 30ft tall moon hanging from the roof. It is what it is, but just know there will be worse songs that will place better than us in that final. I think the problem is we never make something cool enough to crack the Top 10 (Pastora Soler, you're excluded from this narrative, you were God-tier!), and then the remaining votes are spread out through neighbors and countries that usually do well. No one remembers us and, in the end, we don't invest enough money in staging to make our performances pop, either.

And that's that on that! I'm honestly happy to be done with this second semi-final mess. I do think, though, the few bangers it contains will do nicely with the rest of qualifiers from the first semi, along with an unusually strong Big 5. I'll try to have the next post ready soon after the second semi-final, because it'll include a poll for you to vote for who you think deserves to win Eurovision this year, out of the 26 countries that do make it into the final. Until then...